Trouble shoot yourself

Economy is in doldrums and I see every other financial guys and gals churning money by writing books on Economic survival. Hence as a service to the society I decided to write a book to save the world, and here is the sneak peek of my new book

"Trouble shoot [yourself] the BLACK BERRY STROM".
The Basics
1. Screen Orientation - Unit test case: The virtual keyboard never changes to landscape mode.
a. First step would be to jingle the storm for a quick up and down for 10 seconds. Prior experience could come handy. Technique is very important here. If done properly it should change. But if it does not change, read further.
b. Leave the black berry storm on your table, drive to a nearby struggling star bucks and boost their sales, get the “Mojo” and drive back to your office. 6 to 7 minutes gone hence it is time to check our subject. It should have changed.
c. If no, on the positive side you would have gained a little technical skill, try giving another CPR oops jingle, this time 20 seconds, if nothing happens, wait for another 10mins to 13 minutes, you are very close to resolving it - the record time is about17 Minutes. It will change. If your name is not Bill Maher, throw in a prayer or 2 to the almighty. You could see the light in next 15 minutes.
d. On a side note, record your actions with a web cam add some music and post it on YouTube. You will be an instant hit.

2. Disgusted with phone number search. When the page orientation is in Portrait mode, an obnoxious keyboard with twin click appears, meaning the letter “Q” and “W” appear on the same key.
a. Q & W are not used often so no worries, RIM might have thought that’s fine, Q is not used anywhere other than UK and China.
b. What about the killer keys “A” and “S”. 60% of my contacts starts with an A or a S. It takes me about 3 minutes to find contacts.
c. My Solution: Change to landscape mode if you are successful you would get the keyboard known to average human beings aka non Kamal fans. [But you might have to go back to basic point 1].
d. RIM and Verizon is now offering a certification course on Black Berry Storm search.

3. When making a call on Strom I find some people just say “helo helo” and hang up on me”
a. Do not worry, no one hates you, it is a simple touch screen issue. The poor screen does not know to differentiate between your fingers and you [chubby] cheeks [the soft side area of the face between the nose and ear]. The big 10x10 mute button gets clicked by your cheek or if you are Jay Leno it should be the chin. The caller on other end does not know about this; they don’t hear anything hence they hang up blaming their cell phone provider.
b. Solution: Exercise or starve yourself to reduce the muscle density on your face or keep the phone 10cms away from your ears. Bluetooth could help. But more money for Verizon, RIM, and of course china.

People, welcome to the “Who wants to be the Guinea Pig” show brought to you by Verizon [assume Anil Kapoor is reading it]

Define Height of frustration ….
a) US Economy
b) Watching Tamil movie Villu [வில்லு]
c) Watching Villu [வில்லு] on SunTV

Answer is D -> Using the Black Berry Strom.

Kindly someone tell me what to do with this gadget. I have been with Verizon for longtime; however they wanted me to be their Guinea pig. I was very happy with my LG chocolate. Someone from Verizon calls and offers me the so called touch screen sensation. I fell for it and chained myself to contracts. I am writing this blog disgusted.In fact I did go out of my office/home to check for the Verizon guys shown on TV.

Question to Verizon, Is this product a joke? Are your customers’ mere guinea pigs with lot of their time dedicated to “unit” test a pathetic product? I am paying a hell lot of money for a lemon. I did call the support team, Verizon wants to clear all my contacts, reboot, which is about 15minutes and if it still fails, take it to a service center etc, WT* - they better come to my office and fix it. Never ever fall for these phone devices.

What next BlackBerry Havana, the same storm now comes with a cigar holder and a lighter?